Song of the Sparrow

I am so much more than I was then, but I still have a long way to go to become the person that I want to be.

The biggest mistake of my life is one that I keep making over and over again.I give up on something important to me supposedly for the better, without really even trying to fight for it. I gave myself a second at the first thing I lot for myself, and I know I’ll never get another shot at the other two. And I don’t think I want it, it wouldn’t be the same or better. But I gave myself a second shot that I will never let anyone take away from me. I will show myself and everyone around me that lost faith in me that I am so much more than I once was.

Truth is, I don’t want any of my old friends to see me again. Not until I become a better person, someone better than the me I was when they knew me. Otherwise, what would have been the point of isolating myself from them to not drag them down with me?

Talking with my heart isn’t easy, it tries to hide from me the things that it feels I’ll ignore. The things I don’t want to feel, but I know now what it is that i really don’t want to feel and that’s feeling angry and alone. There’s so much I’ve held back without even trying to and seeing the outcome. I’m not like that anymore, and it’s time to let my heart know that as well.

I haven’t posted in a while but I have a lot to say. I see how holding it all in is always worse than talking about how you are feeling. I’m learning to never leave words unsaid.

You knew what you wanted, and left me to find it. I know what I want and I’m making it happen. The problem is we couldn’t find it together, but we will find it.

They say follow your dreams, but not that you’ll lose everything you have in the process.

You say your disappointed in me? I went on knowing I wasn’t good enough for you, so I found the one way I knew to make myself better for you. I wanted to make myself into someone you could be proud of, someone you didn’t have to stand up for because everyone could see how good I had become. But you’re disappointed in me, and can’t believe me because I kept it all secret. Tell me then, how do you tell the one you love “I don’t think I’m good enough to be with you, I don’t deserve someone as good as you the way I am now” when you know she won’t believe anything you say?

I wanted to show you for once, so you wouldn’t have to rely on just my words. It obviously didn’t matter, you left me here when I had the most to prove to you and wanted to change for you. To be better for you was why I wanted to push everything I was doing so hard, and instead of seeing that you saw it as me forgetting about you and not caring for you. I did FOR you, so I could be a person you didn’t have to be fucking ashamed of.

I watched you moving so far ahead for so long, proud that you were on a path that took you forward. You didn’t know where you were going, but you knew you didnt want to struggle along the way. I found exactly where I want to go, and I can do nothing but struggle to get there, and I didnt want you to see that and worry about that. I wanted you to see that I could make it the way I wanted to. Not the way, your friends, everyone else felt was what I should do.

I finally know what my dream is, and I’m chasing it. And I get flak from everyone I care about for doing so. I lost what I cared for for doing so. I feel so alone for doing so. YOu know what though, do exactly what makes you happiest and I’ll find what does the same for me. Because it was you, and I did this all to be better for you. But I’ll find a new reason to keep going, to be better for me. Forget everyone else, I’m doing this for me now. It hurt that I couldn’t be good enough for you in time to save us and it hurts that you were disappointed in me for it all. But you know what? If chasing my dream caused the situations that brought your disappointment in me, then so be it.

I feel like I help them find their way to a higher level, but I always remain right here. When do I find my way there? I want to go, I’ve been on the same plain for far too long. Everything’s changed around me, and now I’m slowly being pulled out of the center of the twister where nothings different. I’m ready to go. I’m leaving all this behind. It’ll be right here, without me any longer.

I want more, and better. For me.

The voice inside me says I shouldn’t write about how I feel, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. How do I feel? That’s a good question. I have a lot of mixed feelings at the moment with everything going through my head. I feel upset, elated, free, dark, alone… really alone but able to finally get a good look at myself for once. i can see so much of what I am and what i was and have better picture of what I want to be. I just cant see the track clearly for how to get there. I know if I listen to my own voice and not the other one that speaks to me then my feet will keep me on the right track.

There’s a voice inside me that speaks to me without saying a word. It once influenced all of my actions, disguising those actions as my own. Not anymore, starting now I take back control of myself and listen to only one voice: mine.

It’s the morning after. I feel different emotions, mostly not so good but it’s more than what I’ve been feeling. That’s a step forward I believe, not backward.